Sunday 23 August 2015

Good, or The End

I'm doing good, I must say. I chose what and where to study, found a room in the city for next year. I'm earning some money doing my student job. I visited a lot of places and cried only four times. I get along well with my family and friends. Belgian summer is surpisingly sweet, really.

When you step over the broken fence, walk past the half-circle of stones with the cardboard box in the middle and turn slightly to the right after a while, you'll bump into a few rocks. They are made for you to sit on. Don't forget your lighter and do look up at times, you might just be lucky and see a falling star.

Eva, a message to my dear firstyear. Remember listening to Jose Gonzalez together? Do you remember when I picked you up at the airport and then we ate spicy samosas and when we left the highway behind us, we sat in the window, your eyes were full of wonder. Remember when I said goodbye to you two weeks ago, my eyes fixated at the computer screen and you were telling me about how you would arrange your corner this year.

I'm doing good, I must say. When I'm around people. I'm scared to be alone, I don't know how to anymore. Certain songs I don't want to hear. Kindly brushing off questions. Do you still have some of your MUWCI-habits? What do you miss the most? Did you actually want to come back to Belgium?

One day, five days, two weeks, three months, The withdrawel symptoms: you think you see MUWCI people everywhere. Then negation, unreal, like everything was a dream. Downplaying it: please, as if you won't see them again, as if it's all over now, it's only just started! Realisation, fear for the emptiness of the future and holding on to the excess of the past.

The 20th of July, low point
Homage to unknown
I who will be or once was
A loss of big words and a longing for control over the English language again
A case without reflection about two years after two years, and now - more headaches
Tears that won't come, messages I don't send and - don't receive
A lack of stars and maggi and vodka on Friday night

No, rather the silence is deafening and the cleanliness blinding and the space from me to anyone is bigger than ever, miles and miles of endless gaps from me to you, all.

I'm doing good I must say. I looked out of the window and the sky was this particular shade of grey. Autumn is coming, my first autumn after three years. How nice it is that I can leave food on my desk without it getting stolen. How nice to have friends from all continents. That flights are getting cheaper and Skype is working better on good internet. That Belgium is actually on the way from anywhere to anywhere! That there are people who know me so well, and still love me. To have the world at my feet, as we say here.

And how lucky I am, to have had people reading my blog throughout these two years, going through high and low with me, and never failing to show me their support. I have a million more words to write, but with the new batch arriving at MUWCI today and tomorrow, it's about time for me to stop. Two years and two days later, I will never forget. Thank you all so much.